On Cancer

Lately I've been thinking I could totally write one of those blogs by moms of special-needs children. For lack of a better name, it would be called "Special Needs Mom." I'd have a unique voice, you see: a mom with chronic illness raising an autistic son, a daughter with cancer, and another son with... a bunch of stuff. I would have lots of followers and get lots of feedback. We'd share stories and tips and together would create a community of support and learning and I would feel heard and understood.... But everyday, life happens. So I think, maybe next year. Or in a few years. Or posthumously.

Today a lot of life has happened. Aside from an evaluation and therapy for Liam, I've spent hours in the hospital. Right at this instant I am holding my infant daughter as she sleeps, IV fluid dripping through a tube and straight into her chest. She will get the first of many doses of chemotherapy sometime tonight while I am sleeping. I strikes me that there are some things I know about her future, and a lot that I don't.

I know her hair will fall out. I know the large bulge in her pelvis, which has practically doubled in size since I first discovered it, will start to shrink. I know she'll lose her appetite and slow down on her growth. I know she'll be in the Lord's hands. That whatever the outcome is, He has her best interest in mind. I don't know how hard this is really going to be, going in and out of the hospital for her doses of chemo, for I don't know how long. I don't know if the chemo alone will be able to shrink her large tumor enough. I don't know if there will be long-term effects. I don't know whether she's in the 65 percent who survive this type of cancer, or the 35 percent who don't. It's okay not to know that, though, because of what I do know: The Lord is in charge, and He loves us. I have a forever family, sealed in the temple of God. Life doesn't end at death. And most of all, (despite occasional panic) I feel an overwhelming peace and confidence from the Spirit of God telling me that everything will be okay.

So my life goes on. In a way, having a couple of high-maintenance boys along with my sweetie daughter helps me cope with her cancer: there is a lot to distract me, to keep me from brooding on depressing things. So while I won't have the time to write the blog I envision, at least I will enjoy being a mom to these three hooligans. We'll figure it out as we go along.

Here are some pictures we took for fun one day while I was pregnant with Noelle: