My post-cancer-mom life, short as it has been (just over three months), has been unexpectedly difficult. The day we got the news that cancer was gone, treatments were over, and Noelle's life was spared, I became immediately irritable and tense. Anxiety, insomnia, and general orneriness spiralled upward, not down. I was confused about where to go next. I felt guilty that I wasn't happier; that my husband was reacting in a more "logical" way than I was. It didn't make any sense... until I realized I was experiencing a form of PTSD. The first month was the worst, and the feelings are now gradually dissipating. I feel almost normal now. Almost.
But I don't blame myself for feeling that onslaught of tension. For an entire year, my mindset was on preserving the life of my daughter. Doing whatever -- whatever -- the doctors said. Keeping the rest of us going. It was pure survival with little time, energy, or reason for afterthought. But when that period suddenly came to an end, I was left with a gaping, bleeding wound. A broken heart. In three months, it's healed a lot, but I sense there is a lot of healing left to do.
A very comforting balm at this time has been a book about the Psalms by Jeffrey R. Holland, For Times of Trouble. I've been reading it in addition to my usually scripture study and have decided a) Elder Holland is wise and b) the Psalms are very, very comforting. Check it out.
Noelle, with hair again:
(that everyone thinks looks like boy hair)
